Epiphany. . .

It's again a sad day, it didn't started this way. Start was good, but then I started missing. Missing someone, who I should not miss. Who I kicked out of my life because, she loves me? Is it weird? Yes, Ohh never mind she moved on. Now I feel much better. Really better. Actually I feel awesome!! This is amazing best thing happened to me. Totally deserves it!!! LOL!!!!!!!

Well I just had a moment of self realization today, that I hate myself. Well this can be a really light statement but I really do. Do you think if you kill your self, then you will be hating yourself the most? Nahhhhhh, killing is too kind!! Make them suffer take everyone and everything I love and watch me rot. Because that's what I do to myself. So if someone loves me, I hate them. How could you love someone as disgusting creature as me? and Why would I want someone, who wants me? because what kind of person would want me? What does it say about that person? Well they certainly have a poor choice. But I want them, I really want them until they start wanting me back.

I will love them, everyone in the world regardless of gender, color or age, until to point where they start loving me back. I will beg them for love. I will do my best to get their love. But once they start loving me. It's over.

I can't bear anyone who loves me. Because I hate myself. And I have these two personalities living inside me. Who hate each other and try to sabotage the other. I would not label either to be good or bad. But they both are contradicting and they don't have peace among them. So, if my one personality likes someone, other waits and sleeps. Let the first one have some good time. My first personality is really thirsty for love. It begs, do all sorts of stunts, to get love. And when it starts getting it. My other personality takes over. 

I start acting like completely different person. Like I am someone else. I now try to push them away. I start pouring water on my own sand castles. My other personality cries, and tries to take over, and it did takes over for short amount of times, and when it did. It tells them, how much I love them and value them, before leaving them hanging again. Some will tolerate this swing for a year, some for a two years. But eventually they leave. And I am alone again. My first personality cries itself to sleep and other get the pleasure from its sobs. 

I tell myself it didn't worked out because they wasn't the right person. Maybe I am not the right person, not right for anyone. I do not deserve anyone, because no one deserve to go through the pain to know me, and then forget me. Because I don't think I would be able to live with someone till the end. 

Just another Douchebag!

I was feeling sad. I am feeling sad. It's not passed yet. Or, is it? Now, I am definitely confused. So does that means I am not sad anymore.  Before anything else, I think, I should introduce myself to my written self? 

I am a human, who is hypnotized, but want to be free of my hallucinations. I  know what's better for me, but still I choose not to do it. This actually brings up an interesting question. At least interesting enough for me, question is, "If you know the future, and you know it's not going to be good for you. Shouldn't you try and change it? 

I feel like, everyone knows their Future, we can see what's written in our destiny. Maybe because we write it or we have the power to change it. So, I can see my future. 

Well it's a bold fucking claim!! I know!!!

I am not any special wizard or sorcerer or anything, How? I will explain later in blog. 

Does it make me a degenerate if I already knows  the result and still does that same thing? Maybe we can say it depends on the result. How bad actually it is. If I know, my actions will cause someone's Death, then yeah, I agree that do make me a degenerate. 

Why do we always have to do the correct thing? Well we should do the correct thing, but very few people actually does it. I am not in the minorities here. Pretty Sure of that!!

We are living in the best and worst of times. We all are afraid to be alone. Want to hold hands. Want to hug our loved one's because we're afraid. We're afraid to die alone. But that's how everyone dies.

Alone!! But it's a topic for another day. 

I just want to think something on typing. Why? Why do I do it? Is their a lack of self love? Am I punishing myself by destroying myself? Or I just have no aspirations to do anything and I don't care at this point for result.  

Maybe it's none of them and I am just tired and need rest. But tired of what? My lifestyle? Myself? Physically Tired? Mentally Tired? 

More like Mentally Retarded at this point.

Maybe it's all of the reasons. Plus lot's and lot's of guilts and regrets and anger. Well, Why doesn't life have any restart switch? 

And why I can't forgive anyone? Not even myself? Am I incapable of granting forgiveness? Why do I have to hold everything in? It's really heavy. I don't want to. I am tired. 

No maybe this time. I know this one for a fact. I deserve anything and everything which happens to me. I am just a shitty person.  Just another Douchebag!!