Well I just had a moment of self realization today, that I hate myself. Well this can be a really light statement but I really do. Do you think if you kill your self, then you will be hating yourself the most? Nahhhhhh, killing is too kind!! Make them suffer take everyone and everything I love and watch me rot. Because that's what I do to myself. So if someone loves me, I hate them. How could you love someone as disgusting creature as me? and Why would I want someone, who wants me? because what kind of person would want me? What does it say about that person? Well they certainly have a poor choice. But I want them, I really want them until they start wanting me back.
I will love them, everyone in the world regardless of gender, color or age, until to point where they start loving me back. I will beg them for love. I will do my best to get their love. But once they start loving me. It's over.
I can't bear anyone who loves me. Because I hate myself. And I have these two personalities living inside me. Who hate each other and try to sabotage the other. I would not label either to be good or bad. But they both are contradicting and they don't have peace among them. So, if my one personality likes someone, other waits and sleeps. Let the first one have some good time. My first personality is really thirsty for love. It begs, do all sorts of stunts, to get love. And when it starts getting it. My other personality takes over.
I start acting like completely different person. Like I am someone else. I now try to push them away. I start pouring water on my own sand castles. My other personality cries, and tries to take over, and it did takes over for short amount of times, and when it did. It tells them, how much I love them and value them, before leaving them hanging again. Some will tolerate this swing for a year, some for a two years. But eventually they leave. And I am alone again. My first personality cries itself to sleep and other get the pleasure from its sobs.
I tell myself it didn't worked out because they wasn't the right person. Maybe I am not the right person, not right for anyone. I do not deserve anyone, because no one deserve to go through the pain to know me, and then forget me. Because I don't think I would be able to live with someone till the end.
